I guess I'm pretty fickle when it comes to medias depiction of single thirty-something women. On the one hand they paint us out to be ring-hungry, marriage obsessed, love starved, desperate spinsters which I hate, because I have a good life that I love and I don't envy many of my unhappily married friends. But if they're not depicting us that way, it seems to be the opposite end of the spectrum; a bitter and jaded woman who has been hurt or disappointed and is now cold and closed off, perhaps even a bitch. Why can't we ever be depicted as somewhere nicely balanced in between for Gods sake instead of a bunch of lunatics? Yes, when you're a single thirty-something woman it's sometimes lonely at night going to bed alone (gasp, yes I admitted it!), but on the other hand I remember being in relationships where I was celebrating when he was out of town so I could enjoy the whole bed, wear my ultra-comfy ugly sweats and read a book in bed without being interrupted. Sometimes you get blue when you go to a party and it seems like it's all couples and you feel like the only one in the world not married with children. But then I spend time individually with those some people and the kids are screaming and running through the house, dad's screaming at them and mom's screaming at dad, and I realize that they sometimes envy me. It's not perfect on either side. I've been married to a wonderful man, and I've been in some long-term relationships with good men and I've still been lonely. So many people settle into mediocre relationships, and that isn't any better than being single, it might work okay for some people, but not for me.
My main purpose here is that we don't have to be ashamed or hide the fact that it is lonely being thirty-something and single, not necessarily because we don't have a guy, but more because we no longer have a troupe of girl friends to call up to go clubbing with us or to take a spontaneous road trip like we used to. I've often said it's not being single that's hard, it's being single without other single girl friends to hang out with that's hard. But we're also not bitter, jaded, hopeless women either; we have a lot of freedoms and luxuries that married people don't get to have. Thirty-something women should be able to embrace both the ups and downs of our situation, so we can identify them, validate them and learn how to navigate around them focusing on the positives.
Sure, I miss sharing breakfast with someone, curling up in bed on a rainy Sunday, making each other laugh until we cry, and of course sex: the kind of sex with someone your comfortable with to be yourself and know each others turn ons and what things drive them absolutely wild. On the other hand I don't miss him never realizing how much housework I'm doing, feeling like I can't let myself go for a day or two and just wear dirty sweats, having to get approval for what I spend my money on, having him doubt my career choices or watching him fritter his time away playing video games. One day I'll have been with the same man for 20 years and while I'm sure I won't regret one minute of it, I know that a small sliver will look back at this time and smile remembering all the excitement and adventure it was being single.
For now, I like to revel in the fact that I can go out on dates with musicians, carpenters, doctors, ski-bums, architects, chefs, engineers and writers and appreciate the fact that I get to benefit from what each of them has to offer. True, they will all have their flaws, some of them major flaws, but I chose to focus on what I can gain from our time spent together even if they're not compatible for me. One's a great kisser, another provides intellectually stimulating conversation, one inspires me to do great things, one makes me laugh until my side hurts, another flirts so shamelessly that I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and often it's through their eyes (regardless of what THEIR opinion of me is) that I can see just what a great person I am, and I'll be even better from the experiences I am having now. And going home alone afterwards, each day I learn to love myself a little more without thinking that I need a companion to validate me. And when I complete this journey of learning to fully love myelf, I know that I'll be ready to have not just a boyfriend or a husband, but an extraordinary companion, no matter what age that might be.
9/8/09
Confidence is Attractive so How Do I Get Some
Confidence is an outward sign that you try respect and love yourself on the inside. We've all heard it a million times; you can't be successful in love until you learn to love yourself, or how you must be confident to attract others. But what we don't hear is how to accomplish this. Sure, it sounds great, but what now, how do I learn to love myself more or have more confidence? A lot of dating books focus on giving you a list of behaviors meant to mimick confidence and self-love, but that will never work because eventually your true self will shine through the cracks of the facade. Instead what daters need is information on how to self-love, because only then will you attract the right people. So how do you do it?
If you go to the bookstores these days you'll find what seems like a thousand books on various aspects of loving ourselves, being happy, developing self-confidence, etc., and guess what? They all say pretty much the exact same thing, one thing! Different groups of people might describe it differently, scientists, spriritual advisors, counselors, self-help gurus, motivational speakers, psychologists, etc.. They have different names for it (Psychologists call is CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), but it's so simple, and it's one thing. However, keep in mind that although it's simply in theory, putting it into place is work, you must practice, practice and practice. It's similar to losing weight, there's a million books and sources telling you how, but it boils down to eating less, eating healthy and exercise. Simple, right? But actually doing it takes work. Well learning to love ourselves is the same thing, the answer is simple, but making it happen takes work, it's like exercise for our brain, our brain won't change overnight but with practice, repetition and persistence, we're bound to achieve our goal. So what's the simple secret?
Scientists have discovered that "positive thinking" is not just good because it seems good, it actually has been shown to rewire our brain (for the better) and adjust the chemistry in the brain as well. Even more interesting, they have found that you don't really have to believe positive statements for them to work. If you keep repeating it (even if you honestly don't feel it at first), eventually your brain starts to believe it's truth. Positive thinking is more than just saying what a beautiful day it is. It's the thoughts we think about ourselves (I'm no good, that person thinks I'm weird, I'm so stupid sometimes), the thoughs we think about others (that persons an idiot, what a jerk, they're so selfish), the thoughts we think about the world (everyone is so evil, bad things are always happening, there's no hope for the world). Every book you read about happiness, self-love or self-improvement will boil down to exercising the process of making our thoughts consistently positive.
If you start consciously eliminating negative thoughts about yourself and replacing them with positive thoughts and you consistently continue to do so, you will start to develop confidence and self-love. At first it might sound ridiculous because most of us have no idea how many negative things we think about ourselves and how often we think it. No wonder so many of us don't have good confidence or self-love. Much of it came from situations in our childhoods where we didn't feel good enough, and then it's been further programmed deeply into our psyche through the insane amounts of commercial advertising that's aim is to convince us that we're not good enough until we buy whatever they're selling. We hear it all day long on the tv, radio, newspaper, magazines and then from others who've been programmed from these same sources. You'll be cool if you wear these clothes, if you have this car, if you have a cool job, if you take these diet pills and lose weight, if you buy this makeup to cover up your flaws, etc. Not only do we give ourself negative messages, media does it to so they can sell us something by convincing us were not good enough without it.
It might sound ridiculously simple, so I will give you a challenge to demonstrate the validity. Go to your local bookstore to the self-help section (which is usually a pretty large section) and open every book you can on subjects such as happiness, confidence, success, etc. and see if you can find one book that doesn't center around "positive thinking" and eliminating "negative thoughts". Whether it's written by the Dalai Llama, Deepak Chopra or David Burns, they'll all confirm that it's just that simple.
As you start thinking positively about yourself, others and life, you'll notice changes taking place along the way, just like you would if you were physically exercising and started noticing improvements along the way. As you start to love yourself, you'll start doing things you might have been afraid to do before, you'll feel the motivation to reach for higher accomplishments, to set new goals for yourself and find new ways to enjoy life because you're not afraid and your confident in yourself. As this happens, your attractiveness will start to increase to the opposite sex as well (although if you consciously use this is your motivation you'll be far less likely to succeed instead of focusing just on yourself and your own hapiness without other motives). The ironic thing is that as this happens, you will be happier and less obsessed with getting validation from the opposite sex. You won't worry about rejection or want love simply for love's sake. You'll begin loving yourself and realize that finding someone to enhance this love would be great, but you don't need just anyone to help you feel loved, you can do that for yourself.
I do highly recommend that you get a book to help you through this process, there are a lot of workbooks. Personally I benefitted from a book of affirmations (Louise Hayes), I would simply open the book to a page and read. Even if I hated it at first and felt cynical and annoyed, it always amazed me how quickly my outlook would change after reading for just a minute or two. After that I got some affirmation CD's and DVD's and exposed myself to it as much as I could until it became easier for me to create my own positive thinking pattern and eliminate my negative thoughts. They still creep in occasionally as I'm human, but my life has blossomed from putting this simple brain exercising to work. Other people might prefer a more scientific type reading resource such as David Burn's "Feeling Good" which was pretty much the first and foremost (to this day) authority on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is the psychological term for creating positive thinking patterns and eliminating negative ones. There's lots of different styles, so flip through various books at the bookstore and see which one speaks to you. I do recommend having at least one book that has daily thoughts that is easy to encourage you if you only have 2 minutes to read it.
If you go to the bookstores these days you'll find what seems like a thousand books on various aspects of loving ourselves, being happy, developing self-confidence, etc., and guess what? They all say pretty much the exact same thing, one thing! Different groups of people might describe it differently, scientists, spriritual advisors, counselors, self-help gurus, motivational speakers, psychologists, etc.. They have different names for it (Psychologists call is CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), but it's so simple, and it's one thing. However, keep in mind that although it's simply in theory, putting it into place is work, you must practice, practice and practice. It's similar to losing weight, there's a million books and sources telling you how, but it boils down to eating less, eating healthy and exercise. Simple, right? But actually doing it takes work. Well learning to love ourselves is the same thing, the answer is simple, but making it happen takes work, it's like exercise for our brain, our brain won't change overnight but with practice, repetition and persistence, we're bound to achieve our goal. So what's the simple secret?
Scientists have discovered that "positive thinking" is not just good because it seems good, it actually has been shown to rewire our brain (for the better) and adjust the chemistry in the brain as well. Even more interesting, they have found that you don't really have to believe positive statements for them to work. If you keep repeating it (even if you honestly don't feel it at first), eventually your brain starts to believe it's truth. Positive thinking is more than just saying what a beautiful day it is. It's the thoughts we think about ourselves (I'm no good, that person thinks I'm weird, I'm so stupid sometimes), the thoughs we think about others (that persons an idiot, what a jerk, they're so selfish), the thoughts we think about the world (everyone is so evil, bad things are always happening, there's no hope for the world). Every book you read about happiness, self-love or self-improvement will boil down to exercising the process of making our thoughts consistently positive.
If you start consciously eliminating negative thoughts about yourself and replacing them with positive thoughts and you consistently continue to do so, you will start to develop confidence and self-love. At first it might sound ridiculous because most of us have no idea how many negative things we think about ourselves and how often we think it. No wonder so many of us don't have good confidence or self-love. Much of it came from situations in our childhoods where we didn't feel good enough, and then it's been further programmed deeply into our psyche through the insane amounts of commercial advertising that's aim is to convince us that we're not good enough until we buy whatever they're selling. We hear it all day long on the tv, radio, newspaper, magazines and then from others who've been programmed from these same sources. You'll be cool if you wear these clothes, if you have this car, if you have a cool job, if you take these diet pills and lose weight, if you buy this makeup to cover up your flaws, etc. Not only do we give ourself negative messages, media does it to so they can sell us something by convincing us were not good enough without it.
It might sound ridiculously simple, so I will give you a challenge to demonstrate the validity. Go to your local bookstore to the self-help section (which is usually a pretty large section) and open every book you can on subjects such as happiness, confidence, success, etc. and see if you can find one book that doesn't center around "positive thinking" and eliminating "negative thoughts". Whether it's written by the Dalai Llama, Deepak Chopra or David Burns, they'll all confirm that it's just that simple.
As you start thinking positively about yourself, others and life, you'll notice changes taking place along the way, just like you would if you were physically exercising and started noticing improvements along the way. As you start to love yourself, you'll start doing things you might have been afraid to do before, you'll feel the motivation to reach for higher accomplishments, to set new goals for yourself and find new ways to enjoy life because you're not afraid and your confident in yourself. As this happens, your attractiveness will start to increase to the opposite sex as well (although if you consciously use this is your motivation you'll be far less likely to succeed instead of focusing just on yourself and your own hapiness without other motives). The ironic thing is that as this happens, you will be happier and less obsessed with getting validation from the opposite sex. You won't worry about rejection or want love simply for love's sake. You'll begin loving yourself and realize that finding someone to enhance this love would be great, but you don't need just anyone to help you feel loved, you can do that for yourself.
I do highly recommend that you get a book to help you through this process, there are a lot of workbooks. Personally I benefitted from a book of affirmations (Louise Hayes), I would simply open the book to a page and read. Even if I hated it at first and felt cynical and annoyed, it always amazed me how quickly my outlook would change after reading for just a minute or two. After that I got some affirmation CD's and DVD's and exposed myself to it as much as I could until it became easier for me to create my own positive thinking pattern and eliminate my negative thoughts. They still creep in occasionally as I'm human, but my life has blossomed from putting this simple brain exercising to work. Other people might prefer a more scientific type reading resource such as David Burn's "Feeling Good" which was pretty much the first and foremost (to this day) authority on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is the psychological term for creating positive thinking patterns and eliminating negative ones. There's lots of different styles, so flip through various books at the bookstore and see which one speaks to you. I do recommend having at least one book that has daily thoughts that is easy to encourage you if you only have 2 minutes to read it.
9/7/09
Want a Doctor, Lawyer or Stock Broker?
I grew up in farm country, in a very poor family. I never longed for money or material things. However, I was an intellectually minded child with an interest in the world and learning, so I couldn't wait to move somewhere that men were smart, intellectual and motivated. The first real city that I moved to was San Francisco and that was the first time I started dating well educated men on a regular basis. I dated attorneys, doctors, an aeronautics engineer, stock brokers, etc. Yes, they were smart and well educated and we were able to have more intelligent conversations. I was right, they were motivated, smart and could provide challenging conversation. However, it didn't take me long at all to discover that intellect and education wasn't everything I thought it was cracked up to be. Every single one of these "smart" men were self-centered, pretentious, cocky, arrogant, judgemental and felt entitled. It didn't take long for me to realize that I prefered a simple country boy that had a limited education and world experience but was loyal, humble, devoted, loving, romantic and just plain old fashioned sweet. I guess if all I cared about was a big diamond ring, a house with a white picket fence, a mercedes, getting to stay home or hang out with the other wives at the spa and vacations to Cabo San Lucas then that would have been fine. But I want a companion, a friend, someone to love who loves me unconditionally, an equal partner who wants to talk to me about his life and get my take on his choices, someone who is sensitive to my needs, would go to the store in the middle of the night to get me cold medicine if I were sick and someone who adores me. And of course I would love and treat him the same way. I can't imagine being with a man who worked long hours and came home too tired to interact, who had women throwing themselves at him constantly because of his success, and someone who felt that he could replace me if he needed to as he had lots of options with women admiring his money, power and success. It would be great to have it all; smart, intellectual, humble, sensitive, attentive and loyal, but age has made me realize that it usually doesn't happen that way and if I had to pick one, it would be the one who showed me unconditional love and affection even if he's not a doctor, lawyer or stock broker. I'll take the carpenter who comes home and shows me how much he loves me!
8/29/09
Unsuccessful, mediocre looking and on a budget? Lucky Us!
We live in a society that worships things such as good looks, hard bodies, money, success and fame. Therefore, for those of us that don't have model good looks, perfect bodies, riches or wildly successful careers, it's easy to feel less desirable in the dating world. No matter how many people say "it matters what's on the inside" we on know on some level in the practical world good-looking, successful and rich people more easily attract dates and attention.
So what's the good news you're wondering? Well I'm not going to tell you that there is some secret that can make you get just as many dates as George Clooney or Jennifer Anniston could. However, there is one very important reason why we actually have it better than the rich, famous and exceptionally good-looking. I've decided to keep this blog very simple and hope that you let the simplicity soak in on your own until you truly comprehend the sheer truth of it and can celebrate the greatness of this insight.
Warning! This is politically incorrect (although true)!
When those of us that our average looking, with less than perfect bodies and modest incomes find someone that loves us, we know that they love us for the right reason. When I see an unattractive poor couple blissfully staring into each others eyes and a very attractive rich couple staring into each others eyes, I automatically envy the unattractive poor couple as I know they really love and care about each other for the right reasons. If a hot chick loses her looks for some reason, will all those suitors still be there because they were wildly crazy for her personality? If an extremely wealthy man loses all his money, will all the same women that were chasing him the week before still going to be chasing him because they loved who he is on the inside? Of course it's easy to get jealous of these people when we see them going out on date after date, having members of the opposite sex calling them and dishing out their phone numbers like candy. But should we really be jealous. Should we really be jealous for the attention that they're getting? Well, of course we're human and will still be a little jealous (let's just be honest here). But it's nice knowing that when I find love, I won't have to worry that he'll leave me for someone younger as my looks age, or that if I lose my career he'll be ashamed of me, or if I grow old without having done anything to gain me worldwide recognition, he'll still know what an amazing soul I am.
It's always shocking to me when I hang out with groups of people who've achieved great success, have money or good looks, that everyone they're surrounded with is so shallow (and often quite boring). One blessing I've had in my life is to hang out with all types of people; famous and infamous, rich and poor, good-looking and plain, successful and unsuccessful. In all these experiences, I know that it's no coincidence that the people surrounding the rich, good-looking, famous and or successful were shallow, superficial, boring and unexciting. I've definitely had the best times of my life with the simple folk. Think of the scene in the Titanic where the rich people were at the ball dancing stiffly, judging each other, having tediously boring conversations, while the plain folk were downstairs roaring in laughter, dancing wildly about and having ridiculous amounts of fun. That was a great juxtaposition of how life is. Everyone thinks the rich, glamorous good-looking people when really it's the plain folk in the simple places that get to experience so much joy, genuineness and true connection with others.
Right now, it's easy for me to look at the hot chick walking into the grocery store making all the guys heads turns, but then I remember they aren't looking at her personality, they don't care about learning what she's passionate about and they don't respect her anymore than me. They want to sleep with her. And all those guys create a barrier between her and the genuine ones, so between the two of us (hot chick and me) I figure I've got it much better than she does. I'm over here with the genuine guys while she's distracting all the shallow ones. I really should send her a thank you card I guess.
So what's the good news you're wondering? Well I'm not going to tell you that there is some secret that can make you get just as many dates as George Clooney or Jennifer Anniston could. However, there is one very important reason why we actually have it better than the rich, famous and exceptionally good-looking. I've decided to keep this blog very simple and hope that you let the simplicity soak in on your own until you truly comprehend the sheer truth of it and can celebrate the greatness of this insight.
Warning! This is politically incorrect (although true)!
When those of us that our average looking, with less than perfect bodies and modest incomes find someone that loves us, we know that they love us for the right reason. When I see an unattractive poor couple blissfully staring into each others eyes and a very attractive rich couple staring into each others eyes, I automatically envy the unattractive poor couple as I know they really love and care about each other for the right reasons. If a hot chick loses her looks for some reason, will all those suitors still be there because they were wildly crazy for her personality? If an extremely wealthy man loses all his money, will all the same women that were chasing him the week before still going to be chasing him because they loved who he is on the inside? Of course it's easy to get jealous of these people when we see them going out on date after date, having members of the opposite sex calling them and dishing out their phone numbers like candy. But should we really be jealous. Should we really be jealous for the attention that they're getting? Well, of course we're human and will still be a little jealous (let's just be honest here). But it's nice knowing that when I find love, I won't have to worry that he'll leave me for someone younger as my looks age, or that if I lose my career he'll be ashamed of me, or if I grow old without having done anything to gain me worldwide recognition, he'll still know what an amazing soul I am.
It's always shocking to me when I hang out with groups of people who've achieved great success, have money or good looks, that everyone they're surrounded with is so shallow (and often quite boring). One blessing I've had in my life is to hang out with all types of people; famous and infamous, rich and poor, good-looking and plain, successful and unsuccessful. In all these experiences, I know that it's no coincidence that the people surrounding the rich, good-looking, famous and or successful were shallow, superficial, boring and unexciting. I've definitely had the best times of my life with the simple folk. Think of the scene in the Titanic where the rich people were at the ball dancing stiffly, judging each other, having tediously boring conversations, while the plain folk were downstairs roaring in laughter, dancing wildly about and having ridiculous amounts of fun. That was a great juxtaposition of how life is. Everyone thinks the rich, glamorous good-looking people when really it's the plain folk in the simple places that get to experience so much joy, genuineness and true connection with others.
Right now, it's easy for me to look at the hot chick walking into the grocery store making all the guys heads turns, but then I remember they aren't looking at her personality, they don't care about learning what she's passionate about and they don't respect her anymore than me. They want to sleep with her. And all those guys create a barrier between her and the genuine ones, so between the two of us (hot chick and me) I figure I've got it much better than she does. I'm over here with the genuine guys while she's distracting all the shallow ones. I really should send her a thank you card I guess.
8/27/09
A Casual Relationship Guide for Men
Let me start by acknowledging that casual relationships are not for everyone, and I completely respect that. This particular blog is in no way encouraging someone who is not comfortable with a casual relationship to pursue one.
I think men would be surprised how many women in this day and age need to have their sexual needs met while waiting to meet "the one". It might take years to meet the right one, and in the meantime it's not really safe to have a series of one-night stands, therefore the casual relationship can be a great answer for those who are confident enough and to handle it.
Casual relationships are difficult to plan. Generally a woman who is open to one will go on a date with you and discover that you're not someone that she wants to be in a relationship with (different goals, different passions, etc.), but she has a good connection with you and finds you attractive and feels that you might be a person she could have a casual relationship with. If you find yourself in that situation, here are some tips
So here are some vital tips and rules to having a casual relationship.
The second most important thing to being communicative and honest is not making her feel like a prostitute. Women have been socialized to be chaste and not to be "slutty" so even the most confident of us can easily feel a little guilty about casual sex. And feeling guilty or insecure doesn't make for the best sex. So take her to dinner first, and give her a little bit of time after sex before leaving or encouraging her to leave (most women this sexually liberated will probably leave before you suggest it anyways). Dinner or drinks and a little conversation is a small price to pay to get a guarantee lay, and it helps her feel respected enough that she doesn't feel guilty about having a casual thing. There might be some rare exceptions to this rule, so as previously mentioned it's something you might want to agree to ahead of time. I've always let the man know that dinner, coffee or drinks first is just something I must have to feel comfortable before jumping in the sack.
If you have any comments, suggestions, experiences, or if you think I've missed something or disagree, please post your comments, I'd love to hear any and all of them!
I think men would be surprised how many women in this day and age need to have their sexual needs met while waiting to meet "the one". It might take years to meet the right one, and in the meantime it's not really safe to have a series of one-night stands, therefore the casual relationship can be a great answer for those who are confident enough and to handle it.
Casual relationships are difficult to plan. Generally a woman who is open to one will go on a date with you and discover that you're not someone that she wants to be in a relationship with (different goals, different passions, etc.), but she has a good connection with you and finds you attractive and feels that you might be a person she could have a casual relationship with. If you find yourself in that situation, here are some tips
So here are some vital tips and rules to having a casual relationship.
1. Communicate before having sex.
Are you or she going to stay over after sex (generally not), if not, will you hang out for a little bit before rushing out the door. Generally this is a good idea since women are conditioned to be chaste and not slutty. Jumping out of bed immediately and rushing out the door might make her feel a little guilty about the choice and you don't want that to happen. If she's at your place and jumps out of bed immediately then you know she's okay with it. But make sure you know her preferences before the sex begins.
Are you both going to continue dating (most likely yes). If one of you meet someone that you like and either want to get serious with or want to start sleeping with, what then? Most likely in that situation this casual thing will end. Make sure to agree on how to handle that situation if it arises. Honesty about this is imperitive, it's absolutely unacceptable to lie in this situation (i.e. you start having sex with someone else).
Will you be going out before jumping in the sack. I highly recommend it, and that's why it's tip #2 so keep reading to understand why this would work to your advantage. But again, discuss this before you begin your casual relationship because she might be the exception to the rule.
Open communication and honesty is as important (if not more) in a casual relationship than any other kind. It's a tricky thing to navigate but if both people are confident and keep the lines of communication open it can be a fantastic thing
2. Don't Make Her (inadvertently) Feel Like a ProstituteThe second most important thing to being communicative and honest is not making her feel like a prostitute. Women have been socialized to be chaste and not to be "slutty" so even the most confident of us can easily feel a little guilty about casual sex. And feeling guilty or insecure doesn't make for the best sex. So take her to dinner first, and give her a little bit of time after sex before leaving or encouraging her to leave (most women this sexually liberated will probably leave before you suggest it anyways). Dinner or drinks and a little conversation is a small price to pay to get a guarantee lay, and it helps her feel respected enough that she doesn't feel guilty about having a casual thing. There might be some rare exceptions to this rule, so as previously mentioned it's something you might want to agree to ahead of time. I've always let the man know that dinner, coffee or drinks first is just something I must have to feel comfortable before jumping in the sack.
3. One of most people's biggest fears in a casual thing is that one person is going to develop feelings. This is why it takes very confident people who know what they want to pull off a casual thing.
The first rule on this is to not get together too frequently. You don't want to get to the point where you're talking everyday or you always know where the other person is or what they are doing, this is a level of intimacy reserved for relationships. For some women it might be a good idea to discuss this ahead of time. Just simply ask her if this is something she thinks you need to discuss or agree upon, she'll let you know. Once a week is the most I would suggest although if you both need more just agree on that and discuss it in advance, although this is one you could discuss after your first bedroom romp.
Another trick is to maintain conversation as friends (not lovers) when you're having dinner or hanging out. Don't hold hands during dinner or talk as if you're romantically involved. The conversation should be more like two very good friends. This doesn't mean you need to go into detail about some hot girl you ran into the other day. However, you shouldn't be talking like a couple. Keep all the romantic talk and actions confined to the bedroom portion of the evening.
The best way to make sure neither one of you is developing feelings? Communicate! Every so often, ask her how she's feeling about the situation and if she's having any concerns about the situation. This can be one of the most valuable tools in a casual relationship.
3. Be honest and believe that she is being honest. Don't tell a woman you're looking for a relationship, marriage, kids, etc. if it's not true and your just wanting to get laid. If you are honest that you don't want a relationship, or that marriage and kids isn't in your near future, then you are absolutely free of blame if a women gets disappointed when she doesn't believe you or think she can change your mind. However, if you lie to a girl to get her in the sack that's cruel and she didn't deserve it.
And if a woman is honest with you that she's looking for a casual relationship, believe her. Unfortunately most men don't believe a woman who is honest about wanting a casual thing and not a relationship, so they have a one-night stand and never call her again. It's better to disappoint people who are dishonest than people who are being honest and trust your honesty. Getting your sexual needs met at the expense of lying and deceit is not worth it!If you have any comments, suggestions, experiences, or if you think I've missed something or disagree, please post your comments, I'd love to hear any and all of them!
8/26/09
Have You Had a Bad Date?
So most of us women, especially in our 30's have had our share of crazy dates. Last night I went out with a new guy. I was already skeptical based on some of our email correspondence previous to the date. He casually mentioned what kind of bedding he had on his bed. Then instead of meeting at the restaurant where we were going he texted me to tell me he was at a bar on another side of town and said that I could drive to the bar he was at and then I could drive us to the restaurant. At this point I pretty much knew that this wasn't going to be my prince charming. However, I showed up and he had a sweet smile and a very nice reception. However, I IMMEDIATELY caught him doing the once over, three times! At every point on our way to the restaurant I saw him blatantly looking at my boobs and body. However, dinner was nice, we had great conversation that I really enjoyed. Then it was time for the bill. I did my normal reach for the wallet expecting him to say "no, it's okay, I've got it" like every other man for the last 32 years (well I haven't really been dating the entire 32 years!), but he didn't. I pulled my credit card out and he didn't stop me at all. If I had been a horrible date I could understand, but he invited me to go on a walk after dinner and tried to sneak in for the kiss at the end. The next day he texted me in the morning to say he had a nice time and to see if we could hang out that night.
Now the moral of this story is that a lot of women would consider this a "bad date". But it absolutely wasn't a bad date. He was polite, the conversation was good, I enjoyed talking with him and the food was good. The other stuff was amusing, such as him looking at my boobs and letting me split the check while asking for a second date. It was material to give me much amusement and good stories to tell my friends later. I had to laugh and had an overall good time. Too many women take dating too seriously and focus on the negative. In order to be a single lady in your thirties you have to be able to have a sense of humor about dating and be able to enjoy a date even when it seems disasterous. There's no reason to be uptight, just laugh and chalk it up as one more learning experience!
Okay, now it's your turn to share your worst dating experience. Comment on this post with the details of your dating "adventure" so the rest of us girls can share in your amusement. We'll have a virtual martini and share our laughter via blog!
Now the moral of this story is that a lot of women would consider this a "bad date". But it absolutely wasn't a bad date. He was polite, the conversation was good, I enjoyed talking with him and the food was good. The other stuff was amusing, such as him looking at my boobs and letting me split the check while asking for a second date. It was material to give me much amusement and good stories to tell my friends later. I had to laugh and had an overall good time. Too many women take dating too seriously and focus on the negative. In order to be a single lady in your thirties you have to be able to have a sense of humor about dating and be able to enjoy a date even when it seems disasterous. There's no reason to be uptight, just laugh and chalk it up as one more learning experience!
Okay, now it's your turn to share your worst dating experience. Comment on this post with the details of your dating "adventure" so the rest of us girls can share in your amusement. We'll have a virtual martini and share our laughter via blog!
Dating Help vs. Dating Gimmicks
A lot of dating books and information these days promote some sort of dating gimmick that promises to make your dating life suddenly successful and easier than ever. It sells because it sounds great. Dating can be difficult, tedious, confusing and frustrating, so who wouldn't like to find out that there's some easy trick we can do to make it fun and enjoyable.
Unfortunately a lot of the dating advice out there aims to make people appear less desperate, more confident and therefore desirable. There's books that tell women (and men) when to call, when not to call, how soon to call, how long to wait, how long to wait to put out, when to kiss, when not to kiss, how to act somewhat disinterested in a date to build the chase, how to lie about your ultimate goal so you don't scare them off, how to pretend to be hard to get, etc. etc. How do you keep it all straight? That's not good dating advice, these are ploys, deception and trickery (yes kind of like magic). Eventually the real you will emerge and most likely both of you will be unhappy (sometimes this doesn't happen till after marriage). We need to stop with the gimmicky dating advice and start looking at truly helpful advice. Here are some REAL dating advice to get you started.
1. You must be honest about what your dating goal is, but usually not until the second date. Telling a guy that you want to get married and have kids is way too much for the first date. You should be honest, but a first date is just a preliminary introduction to decide if there's a mutual attraction and iscussing your long-term goals is generally not socially acceptable on the first date. However, honesty about your dating goal is critical eventually, typically by the second date. Just looking to get laid? Be honest. Ready for marriage and kids? Be honest. Not sure about what your future holds? Be honest. Waiting until marriage to have sex? Be honest. Ignore all the gimmicky dating advice that tells you to pretend your not looking for something you are, that will eventually end in confusion and disappointment for both.
2. There's a difference between playing hard to get and not being desperate. Playing hard to get is a game, and one that won't end in success. However, being desperate is absolutely not desirable, yet it sometimes is easy to give into desperate behavior even though you're not a desperate person. So learning to reign in our desperate behaviors that stem from irrational thinking is good. Playing hard to get is bad. Desperate behavior might be calling him repetitively, hinting or suggesting a date immediately following the first. It takes time to get to know someone, and although you might like them right away, you still don't know them, so don't rush this process. Let it play out. You're NOT going to lose the right guy because you didn't call him soon enough, or enough times, or you didn't schedule your dates close enough together. If he's the one, it will come to fruition over time, rushing it might just ruin it. So don't play hard to get, but take your time in the dating process and don't succumb to desperate behaviors.
3. There's a fine line between judging a guy too harshly or putting up with a lot of shit because we're trying to excuse the "little things". Often we women ignore red flags because we're so hopeful that this is the one. We've already envisioned this guy in our head being the one, we've envisioned his face at our wedding, in our house and with our kids. So when red flags come up, it's hard to take that face out of the picture. On the other hand, it can also be easy to write a guy off for something ridiculously minor. It take some balance to walk somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. The best thing we can do is to work on our own self-confidence and think about what things we can and can't compromise on so that it comes more naturally to us and we can balance these two extremes.
4. There are tons of great men out there! Yes I know, this goes against everything you've heard and believed. Well it's wrong! As women, we tend to think that if a guy wasn't for us that he's no good. Well, most of the time that's not true. Most of the time our discards are someone elses dream. There's some girl out there who thinks there's no good guys that is going to be head over heels for one of the guys you didn't like, and is going to grow old with him. And when you find your special someone, there will likely be plenty of women in his past who didn't think he was any good (for them) even though he's perfect for you. It doesn't matter what age you are, there are plenty of great guys out there. The world population is roughly even and as a result the single population is roughly even as well. Because for as many guys are married, that many women are married, leaving roughly the same amount of single people. And as many crazy guys are out there as many crazy women are out there as well. Thus there's a plethora of good guys out there looking for a good woman. The other thing we overlook is that women talk about looking more than men do so it seems like there's more of us because we hear it. Single guys don't stand around together at a bar on Friday night talking about how lonely they are, that's not cool! Women also talk at length about their "bad dates" so we start thinking there are lots of bad apples out there cause we hear about it. We don't hear men talking about and equal number of bad dates because men don't sit around together at dinner discussing their last date. They might discuss if they got laid, but it's not cool to discus why she wasn't the perfect companion for him. So don't be fooled, there's plenty of fish in the sea!
5. Stop trying to act confident, self-assured and desirable and start being confident, self-assured and desirable. Take some time to focus on the kind of person you want to be. Make a list of the traits you want in someone else and start figuring out how you can apply those in your life. Find hobbies that you enjoy that keep you entertained. Read and study up on how positive affirmations and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help your self-esteem. Treat yourself worthy (not necessarily spending money!) like reading a book in a bubble bath. Work on loving yourself. You can fake confidence and desirability all you want, but at some point that facade will crack and the real you will still shine through. Work on the real you to begin with and let everything else naturally fall into place (i.e. attracting a mate).
6. Where can you meet men? This is vital. You need to determine your life passion and goals and meet men who share those. Thus if your passion is animals, join every animal group and find every animal volunteer opportunity you can to meet as many people who share your passion. Do you like money, go to the country club. If you like skiing, join the ski patrol or a ski team or volunteer at a ski race. If you love reading join lots of book groups. Being happy long-term is much easier if you find someone who shares similar life goals and passions. The best place to meet those people is where those passions and interests take place. And think outside the box, don't just join a local group, volunteer for the national organization of that group, or start your own group (meetup.com), start tweeting about it or attend a professional conference for a trade you're interested in.
Unfortunately a lot of the dating advice out there aims to make people appear less desperate, more confident and therefore desirable. There's books that tell women (and men) when to call, when not to call, how soon to call, how long to wait, how long to wait to put out, when to kiss, when not to kiss, how to act somewhat disinterested in a date to build the chase, how to lie about your ultimate goal so you don't scare them off, how to pretend to be hard to get, etc. etc. How do you keep it all straight? That's not good dating advice, these are ploys, deception and trickery (yes kind of like magic). Eventually the real you will emerge and most likely both of you will be unhappy (sometimes this doesn't happen till after marriage). We need to stop with the gimmicky dating advice and start looking at truly helpful advice. Here are some REAL dating advice to get you started.
1. You must be honest about what your dating goal is, but usually not until the second date. Telling a guy that you want to get married and have kids is way too much for the first date. You should be honest, but a first date is just a preliminary introduction to decide if there's a mutual attraction and iscussing your long-term goals is generally not socially acceptable on the first date. However, honesty about your dating goal is critical eventually, typically by the second date. Just looking to get laid? Be honest. Ready for marriage and kids? Be honest. Not sure about what your future holds? Be honest. Waiting until marriage to have sex? Be honest. Ignore all the gimmicky dating advice that tells you to pretend your not looking for something you are, that will eventually end in confusion and disappointment for both.
2. There's a difference between playing hard to get and not being desperate. Playing hard to get is a game, and one that won't end in success. However, being desperate is absolutely not desirable, yet it sometimes is easy to give into desperate behavior even though you're not a desperate person. So learning to reign in our desperate behaviors that stem from irrational thinking is good. Playing hard to get is bad. Desperate behavior might be calling him repetitively, hinting or suggesting a date immediately following the first. It takes time to get to know someone, and although you might like them right away, you still don't know them, so don't rush this process. Let it play out. You're NOT going to lose the right guy because you didn't call him soon enough, or enough times, or you didn't schedule your dates close enough together. If he's the one, it will come to fruition over time, rushing it might just ruin it. So don't play hard to get, but take your time in the dating process and don't succumb to desperate behaviors.
3. There's a fine line between judging a guy too harshly or putting up with a lot of shit because we're trying to excuse the "little things". Often we women ignore red flags because we're so hopeful that this is the one. We've already envisioned this guy in our head being the one, we've envisioned his face at our wedding, in our house and with our kids. So when red flags come up, it's hard to take that face out of the picture. On the other hand, it can also be easy to write a guy off for something ridiculously minor. It take some balance to walk somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. The best thing we can do is to work on our own self-confidence and think about what things we can and can't compromise on so that it comes more naturally to us and we can balance these two extremes.
4. There are tons of great men out there! Yes I know, this goes against everything you've heard and believed. Well it's wrong! As women, we tend to think that if a guy wasn't for us that he's no good. Well, most of the time that's not true. Most of the time our discards are someone elses dream. There's some girl out there who thinks there's no good guys that is going to be head over heels for one of the guys you didn't like, and is going to grow old with him. And when you find your special someone, there will likely be plenty of women in his past who didn't think he was any good (for them) even though he's perfect for you. It doesn't matter what age you are, there are plenty of great guys out there. The world population is roughly even and as a result the single population is roughly even as well. Because for as many guys are married, that many women are married, leaving roughly the same amount of single people. And as many crazy guys are out there as many crazy women are out there as well. Thus there's a plethora of good guys out there looking for a good woman. The other thing we overlook is that women talk about looking more than men do so it seems like there's more of us because we hear it. Single guys don't stand around together at a bar on Friday night talking about how lonely they are, that's not cool! Women also talk at length about their "bad dates" so we start thinking there are lots of bad apples out there cause we hear about it. We don't hear men talking about and equal number of bad dates because men don't sit around together at dinner discussing their last date. They might discuss if they got laid, but it's not cool to discus why she wasn't the perfect companion for him. So don't be fooled, there's plenty of fish in the sea!
5. Stop trying to act confident, self-assured and desirable and start being confident, self-assured and desirable. Take some time to focus on the kind of person you want to be. Make a list of the traits you want in someone else and start figuring out how you can apply those in your life. Find hobbies that you enjoy that keep you entertained. Read and study up on how positive affirmations and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help your self-esteem. Treat yourself worthy (not necessarily spending money!) like reading a book in a bubble bath. Work on loving yourself. You can fake confidence and desirability all you want, but at some point that facade will crack and the real you will still shine through. Work on the real you to begin with and let everything else naturally fall into place (i.e. attracting a mate).
6. Where can you meet men? This is vital. You need to determine your life passion and goals and meet men who share those. Thus if your passion is animals, join every animal group and find every animal volunteer opportunity you can to meet as many people who share your passion. Do you like money, go to the country club. If you like skiing, join the ski patrol or a ski team or volunteer at a ski race. If you love reading join lots of book groups. Being happy long-term is much easier if you find someone who shares similar life goals and passions. The best place to meet those people is where those passions and interests take place. And think outside the box, don't just join a local group, volunteer for the national organization of that group, or start your own group (meetup.com), start tweeting about it or attend a professional conference for a trade you're interested in.
You Get What You Give
Most of us women get a fairytale idea in our heads (even if it's subconscious) about what kind of guy we want. It's been shaped by the media, society, fairytales, movies, our friends and lots of messages that surround us. However, we often focus more on what we want in a guy instead of what we can offer. It's a universal truth that you tend to attract whatever it is you give off. Therefore if our lists includes a rich doctor or lawyer, that is smart, funny, generous, romantic, talented, funny, good-looking, well dressed, attentive, sensitive, thoughtful and motivated, do we have the same traits? It's great to recognize your strengths, love yourself and feel that you deserve good in a partner, but sometimes we end up seeking more quality traits than we've taken the time to develop in ourselves. Want someone who's thoughtful? We must be thoughtful. Want someone who is smart and educated? We should work to be smart and educated. Want someone who volunteers and gives back to the community. We should be volunteering and giving back to the community. If we're working in a remedial job with low pay, we haven't tried to further our education, we spend little time improving ourselves, have few hobbies, watch tv, pursue superficial interests and haven't been motivated to set many goals for ourselves. It's unrealistic to think that we will attract someone that is the opposite of those things.
Therefore, instead of simply looking for a guy that matches the criteria on our list, we should make our list and then figure out how we can make that list come to fruition in our own life and we will naturally start attracting men with similar traits, values and qualities.
Therefore, instead of simply looking for a guy that matches the criteria on our list, we should make our list and then figure out how we can make that list come to fruition in our own life and we will naturally start attracting men with similar traits, values and qualities.
The Most Important Dating Advice of All !!!!!!
When it comes to dating, there's one mistake that women (and some men) make the most by far. Warning, you won't get the full advice in just reading the first paragraph (I try this trick often enough myself), this is one of those times you have to read the entirety to get the whole picture.
In order to find Mr. (or Mrs.) Right, it's statistically likely that you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs first. When I say kiss, I mean date, not necessarily kiss, although you might do a lot of that too! Most people don't meet the love of their life within the first few dates they ever go on in their life, and there's a good reason for that. Going on dates with people that aren't our perfect someone, provides the learning opportunities and experiences that help shape and mold us for when we do meet the right person. It helps teach us what we like, what we don't like, what we can settle for, what we can't settle for, what we want to change about ourselves and how we can become the person we want to be.
Unfortunately most us women, lament all the "bad" dates we've been on, when in fact we should be embracing them. Those are the experiences that are getting us ready for the right one. Even the very worst date can help shape us. And the worst dates make the very best stories to laugh about later. Now here's the second part of this advice....
Most of us women go on each date with the hopes, either conscious or subconsciously, that this guy is going to be "the one". Thus everytime he isn't "the one" we feel disappointed and discouraged. However, the fact is that it's likely we're going to have to go on a lot of dates before we meet the one, and those dates are learning opportunities, shouldn't we go on each date expecting it to NOT be the one? Not in a negative way. However, if we go on a date knowing and understanding that statistically this isn't going to be the one, we'll be more relaxed, feel less pressure, enjoy ourselves more, act more like ourselves instead of putting on pretenses, and at the end of the date we won't feel disappointed and sad if he's not the one. We also won't make the mistake of overlooking everyone of his flaws or differences because we're hoping and praying that he's the one even if he's showing many reasons why he's not the one.
So often we women get worked up whether or not a date is going to call us back, when in actuality, most of the time it's a guy we would lose interest in on the second or third date. But we want that call for two reasons, we're still hoping he's the one despite any evidence to the contrary on the first date and number two; we don't want to feel rejected even by a guy that we're not interested in. If we go on a date knowing that he's probably not the one, we enjoy the learning experience and we go away with no expectations, we'll be less likely to torment ourselves over whether a guy is going to call that we really don't like that much anyways. And, aren't we equally rejecting him if WE don't call him after the first date? Not that we want to reject someone, but we shouldn't feel that we're being rejected because he wasn't the one and he hasn't called us.
The moral of the story is that it's better to go on each date expecting nothing to come from it so that instead of being disappointed and discouraged every single time it goes nowhere, we instead enjoy each learning opportunity as practice for when we meet the one, and when it is the right one, we're nicely surprised! We need to shift our expectations about dating and stop feeling blue about "bad" dates and recognize that all those dates are valuable and great experiences in practice for finding our one!
In order to find Mr. (or Mrs.) Right, it's statistically likely that you're going to have to kiss a lot of frogs first. When I say kiss, I mean date, not necessarily kiss, although you might do a lot of that too! Most people don't meet the love of their life within the first few dates they ever go on in their life, and there's a good reason for that. Going on dates with people that aren't our perfect someone, provides the learning opportunities and experiences that help shape and mold us for when we do meet the right person. It helps teach us what we like, what we don't like, what we can settle for, what we can't settle for, what we want to change about ourselves and how we can become the person we want to be.
Unfortunately most us women, lament all the "bad" dates we've been on, when in fact we should be embracing them. Those are the experiences that are getting us ready for the right one. Even the very worst date can help shape us. And the worst dates make the very best stories to laugh about later. Now here's the second part of this advice....
Most of us women go on each date with the hopes, either conscious or subconsciously, that this guy is going to be "the one". Thus everytime he isn't "the one" we feel disappointed and discouraged. However, the fact is that it's likely we're going to have to go on a lot of dates before we meet the one, and those dates are learning opportunities, shouldn't we go on each date expecting it to NOT be the one? Not in a negative way. However, if we go on a date knowing and understanding that statistically this isn't going to be the one, we'll be more relaxed, feel less pressure, enjoy ourselves more, act more like ourselves instead of putting on pretenses, and at the end of the date we won't feel disappointed and sad if he's not the one. We also won't make the mistake of overlooking everyone of his flaws or differences because we're hoping and praying that he's the one even if he's showing many reasons why he's not the one.
So often we women get worked up whether or not a date is going to call us back, when in actuality, most of the time it's a guy we would lose interest in on the second or third date. But we want that call for two reasons, we're still hoping he's the one despite any evidence to the contrary on the first date and number two; we don't want to feel rejected even by a guy that we're not interested in. If we go on a date knowing that he's probably not the one, we enjoy the learning experience and we go away with no expectations, we'll be less likely to torment ourselves over whether a guy is going to call that we really don't like that much anyways. And, aren't we equally rejecting him if WE don't call him after the first date? Not that we want to reject someone, but we shouldn't feel that we're being rejected because he wasn't the one and he hasn't called us.
The moral of the story is that it's better to go on each date expecting nothing to come from it so that instead of being disappointed and discouraged every single time it goes nowhere, we instead enjoy each learning opportunity as practice for when we meet the one, and when it is the right one, we're nicely surprised! We need to shift our expectations about dating and stop feeling blue about "bad" dates and recognize that all those dates are valuable and great experiences in practice for finding our one!
Welcome!
Being a single woman in her 30's is fantastic. However, the dating part of it can be a bit of a three-ring circus. Which is entertaining when you have girlfriends to laugh about it with and share stories of your adventures in dating. However, it can be a little rough if you're out there on your own, perhaps all your friends are married or committed. It's great to have other single 30-somethings to relate to.
I'm a writer currently working on two books about men, women, dating and relationships. I've been an avid dater my whole life and have lived in many different areas which has given me a broad exposure to so many dating scenes. I also love to listen to the stories of other women's dating experiences as well as men's, to try to make some sense out of the madness. Unlike my book projects, which are a bit more instructional and insightful, this blog is more for entertainment, for the laughs, although there will be useful information as well. Much of my work entails the experiences and opinions of others, so this isn't about the opinion of me, I like to think of myself more as a medium for sharing insight and opinions from hundreds of single men and women.
Welcome and if you decide to read just one of my blogs, I'd encourage you to read my "Most Important Dating Advice" blog (which follows this one).
Happy Dating!
I'm a writer currently working on two books about men, women, dating and relationships. I've been an avid dater my whole life and have lived in many different areas which has given me a broad exposure to so many dating scenes. I also love to listen to the stories of other women's dating experiences as well as men's, to try to make some sense out of the madness. Unlike my book projects, which are a bit more instructional and insightful, this blog is more for entertainment, for the laughs, although there will be useful information as well. Much of my work entails the experiences and opinions of others, so this isn't about the opinion of me, I like to think of myself more as a medium for sharing insight and opinions from hundreds of single men and women.
Welcome and if you decide to read just one of my blogs, I'd encourage you to read my "Most Important Dating Advice" blog (which follows this one).
Happy Dating!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
