I guess I'm pretty fickle when it comes to medias depiction of single thirty-something women. On the one hand they paint us out to be ring-hungry, marriage obsessed, love starved, desperate spinsters which I hate, because I have a good life that I love and I don't envy many of my unhappily married friends. But if they're not depicting us that way, it seems to be the opposite end of the spectrum; a bitter and jaded woman who has been hurt or disappointed and is now cold and closed off, perhaps even a bitch. Why can't we ever be depicted as somewhere nicely balanced in between for Gods sake instead of a bunch of lunatics? Yes, when you're a single thirty-something woman it's sometimes lonely at night going to bed alone (gasp, yes I admitted it!), but on the other hand I remember being in relationships where I was celebrating when he was out of town so I could enjoy the whole bed, wear my ultra-comfy ugly sweats and read a book in bed without being interrupted. Sometimes you get blue when you go to a party and it seems like it's all couples and you feel like the only one in the world not married with children. But then I spend time individually with those some people and the kids are screaming and running through the house, dad's screaming at them and mom's screaming at dad, and I realize that they sometimes envy me. It's not perfect on either side. I've been married to a wonderful man, and I've been in some long-term relationships with good men and I've still been lonely. So many people settle into mediocre relationships, and that isn't any better than being single, it might work okay for some people, but not for me.
My main purpose here is that we don't have to be ashamed or hide the fact that it is lonely being thirty-something and single, not necessarily because we don't have a guy, but more because we no longer have a troupe of girl friends to call up to go clubbing with us or to take a spontaneous road trip like we used to. I've often said it's not being single that's hard, it's being single without other single girl friends to hang out with that's hard. But we're also not bitter, jaded, hopeless women either; we have a lot of freedoms and luxuries that married people don't get to have. Thirty-something women should be able to embrace both the ups and downs of our situation, so we can identify them, validate them and learn how to navigate around them focusing on the positives.
Sure, I miss sharing breakfast with someone, curling up in bed on a rainy Sunday, making each other laugh until we cry, and of course sex: the kind of sex with someone your comfortable with to be yourself and know each others turn ons and what things drive them absolutely wild. On the other hand I don't miss him never realizing how much housework I'm doing, feeling like I can't let myself go for a day or two and just wear dirty sweats, having to get approval for what I spend my money on, having him doubt my career choices or watching him fritter his time away playing video games. One day I'll have been with the same man for 20 years and while I'm sure I won't regret one minute of it, I know that a small sliver will look back at this time and smile remembering all the excitement and adventure it was being single.
For now, I like to revel in the fact that I can go out on dates with musicians, carpenters, doctors, ski-bums, architects, chefs, engineers and writers and appreciate the fact that I get to benefit from what each of them has to offer. True, they will all have their flaws, some of them major flaws, but I chose to focus on what I can gain from our time spent together even if they're not compatible for me. One's a great kisser, another provides intellectually stimulating conversation, one inspires me to do great things, one makes me laugh until my side hurts, another flirts so shamelessly that I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and often it's through their eyes (regardless of what THEIR opinion of me is) that I can see just what a great person I am, and I'll be even better from the experiences I am having now. And going home alone afterwards, each day I learn to love myself a little more without thinking that I need a companion to validate me. And when I complete this journey of learning to fully love myelf, I know that I'll be ready to have not just a boyfriend or a husband, but an extraordinary companion, no matter what age that might be.
9/8/09
Confidence is Attractive so How Do I Get Some
Confidence is an outward sign that you try respect and love yourself on the inside. We've all heard it a million times; you can't be successful in love until you learn to love yourself, or how you must be confident to attract others. But what we don't hear is how to accomplish this. Sure, it sounds great, but what now, how do I learn to love myself more or have more confidence? A lot of dating books focus on giving you a list of behaviors meant to mimick confidence and self-love, but that will never work because eventually your true self will shine through the cracks of the facade. Instead what daters need is information on how to self-love, because only then will you attract the right people. So how do you do it?
If you go to the bookstores these days you'll find what seems like a thousand books on various aspects of loving ourselves, being happy, developing self-confidence, etc., and guess what? They all say pretty much the exact same thing, one thing! Different groups of people might describe it differently, scientists, spriritual advisors, counselors, self-help gurus, motivational speakers, psychologists, etc.. They have different names for it (Psychologists call is CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), but it's so simple, and it's one thing. However, keep in mind that although it's simply in theory, putting it into place is work, you must practice, practice and practice. It's similar to losing weight, there's a million books and sources telling you how, but it boils down to eating less, eating healthy and exercise. Simple, right? But actually doing it takes work. Well learning to love ourselves is the same thing, the answer is simple, but making it happen takes work, it's like exercise for our brain, our brain won't change overnight but with practice, repetition and persistence, we're bound to achieve our goal. So what's the simple secret?
Scientists have discovered that "positive thinking" is not just good because it seems good, it actually has been shown to rewire our brain (for the better) and adjust the chemistry in the brain as well. Even more interesting, they have found that you don't really have to believe positive statements for them to work. If you keep repeating it (even if you honestly don't feel it at first), eventually your brain starts to believe it's truth. Positive thinking is more than just saying what a beautiful day it is. It's the thoughts we think about ourselves (I'm no good, that person thinks I'm weird, I'm so stupid sometimes), the thoughs we think about others (that persons an idiot, what a jerk, they're so selfish), the thoughts we think about the world (everyone is so evil, bad things are always happening, there's no hope for the world). Every book you read about happiness, self-love or self-improvement will boil down to exercising the process of making our thoughts consistently positive.
If you start consciously eliminating negative thoughts about yourself and replacing them with positive thoughts and you consistently continue to do so, you will start to develop confidence and self-love. At first it might sound ridiculous because most of us have no idea how many negative things we think about ourselves and how often we think it. No wonder so many of us don't have good confidence or self-love. Much of it came from situations in our childhoods where we didn't feel good enough, and then it's been further programmed deeply into our psyche through the insane amounts of commercial advertising that's aim is to convince us that we're not good enough until we buy whatever they're selling. We hear it all day long on the tv, radio, newspaper, magazines and then from others who've been programmed from these same sources. You'll be cool if you wear these clothes, if you have this car, if you have a cool job, if you take these diet pills and lose weight, if you buy this makeup to cover up your flaws, etc. Not only do we give ourself negative messages, media does it to so they can sell us something by convincing us were not good enough without it.
It might sound ridiculously simple, so I will give you a challenge to demonstrate the validity. Go to your local bookstore to the self-help section (which is usually a pretty large section) and open every book you can on subjects such as happiness, confidence, success, etc. and see if you can find one book that doesn't center around "positive thinking" and eliminating "negative thoughts". Whether it's written by the Dalai Llama, Deepak Chopra or David Burns, they'll all confirm that it's just that simple.
As you start thinking positively about yourself, others and life, you'll notice changes taking place along the way, just like you would if you were physically exercising and started noticing improvements along the way. As you start to love yourself, you'll start doing things you might have been afraid to do before, you'll feel the motivation to reach for higher accomplishments, to set new goals for yourself and find new ways to enjoy life because you're not afraid and your confident in yourself. As this happens, your attractiveness will start to increase to the opposite sex as well (although if you consciously use this is your motivation you'll be far less likely to succeed instead of focusing just on yourself and your own hapiness without other motives). The ironic thing is that as this happens, you will be happier and less obsessed with getting validation from the opposite sex. You won't worry about rejection or want love simply for love's sake. You'll begin loving yourself and realize that finding someone to enhance this love would be great, but you don't need just anyone to help you feel loved, you can do that for yourself.
I do highly recommend that you get a book to help you through this process, there are a lot of workbooks. Personally I benefitted from a book of affirmations (Louise Hayes), I would simply open the book to a page and read. Even if I hated it at first and felt cynical and annoyed, it always amazed me how quickly my outlook would change after reading for just a minute or two. After that I got some affirmation CD's and DVD's and exposed myself to it as much as I could until it became easier for me to create my own positive thinking pattern and eliminate my negative thoughts. They still creep in occasionally as I'm human, but my life has blossomed from putting this simple brain exercising to work. Other people might prefer a more scientific type reading resource such as David Burn's "Feeling Good" which was pretty much the first and foremost (to this day) authority on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is the psychological term for creating positive thinking patterns and eliminating negative ones. There's lots of different styles, so flip through various books at the bookstore and see which one speaks to you. I do recommend having at least one book that has daily thoughts that is easy to encourage you if you only have 2 minutes to read it.
If you go to the bookstores these days you'll find what seems like a thousand books on various aspects of loving ourselves, being happy, developing self-confidence, etc., and guess what? They all say pretty much the exact same thing, one thing! Different groups of people might describe it differently, scientists, spriritual advisors, counselors, self-help gurus, motivational speakers, psychologists, etc.. They have different names for it (Psychologists call is CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), but it's so simple, and it's one thing. However, keep in mind that although it's simply in theory, putting it into place is work, you must practice, practice and practice. It's similar to losing weight, there's a million books and sources telling you how, but it boils down to eating less, eating healthy and exercise. Simple, right? But actually doing it takes work. Well learning to love ourselves is the same thing, the answer is simple, but making it happen takes work, it's like exercise for our brain, our brain won't change overnight but with practice, repetition and persistence, we're bound to achieve our goal. So what's the simple secret?
Scientists have discovered that "positive thinking" is not just good because it seems good, it actually has been shown to rewire our brain (for the better) and adjust the chemistry in the brain as well. Even more interesting, they have found that you don't really have to believe positive statements for them to work. If you keep repeating it (even if you honestly don't feel it at first), eventually your brain starts to believe it's truth. Positive thinking is more than just saying what a beautiful day it is. It's the thoughts we think about ourselves (I'm no good, that person thinks I'm weird, I'm so stupid sometimes), the thoughs we think about others (that persons an idiot, what a jerk, they're so selfish), the thoughts we think about the world (everyone is so evil, bad things are always happening, there's no hope for the world). Every book you read about happiness, self-love or self-improvement will boil down to exercising the process of making our thoughts consistently positive.
If you start consciously eliminating negative thoughts about yourself and replacing them with positive thoughts and you consistently continue to do so, you will start to develop confidence and self-love. At first it might sound ridiculous because most of us have no idea how many negative things we think about ourselves and how often we think it. No wonder so many of us don't have good confidence or self-love. Much of it came from situations in our childhoods where we didn't feel good enough, and then it's been further programmed deeply into our psyche through the insane amounts of commercial advertising that's aim is to convince us that we're not good enough until we buy whatever they're selling. We hear it all day long on the tv, radio, newspaper, magazines and then from others who've been programmed from these same sources. You'll be cool if you wear these clothes, if you have this car, if you have a cool job, if you take these diet pills and lose weight, if you buy this makeup to cover up your flaws, etc. Not only do we give ourself negative messages, media does it to so they can sell us something by convincing us were not good enough without it.
It might sound ridiculously simple, so I will give you a challenge to demonstrate the validity. Go to your local bookstore to the self-help section (which is usually a pretty large section) and open every book you can on subjects such as happiness, confidence, success, etc. and see if you can find one book that doesn't center around "positive thinking" and eliminating "negative thoughts". Whether it's written by the Dalai Llama, Deepak Chopra or David Burns, they'll all confirm that it's just that simple.
As you start thinking positively about yourself, others and life, you'll notice changes taking place along the way, just like you would if you were physically exercising and started noticing improvements along the way. As you start to love yourself, you'll start doing things you might have been afraid to do before, you'll feel the motivation to reach for higher accomplishments, to set new goals for yourself and find new ways to enjoy life because you're not afraid and your confident in yourself. As this happens, your attractiveness will start to increase to the opposite sex as well (although if you consciously use this is your motivation you'll be far less likely to succeed instead of focusing just on yourself and your own hapiness without other motives). The ironic thing is that as this happens, you will be happier and less obsessed with getting validation from the opposite sex. You won't worry about rejection or want love simply for love's sake. You'll begin loving yourself and realize that finding someone to enhance this love would be great, but you don't need just anyone to help you feel loved, you can do that for yourself.
I do highly recommend that you get a book to help you through this process, there are a lot of workbooks. Personally I benefitted from a book of affirmations (Louise Hayes), I would simply open the book to a page and read. Even if I hated it at first and felt cynical and annoyed, it always amazed me how quickly my outlook would change after reading for just a minute or two. After that I got some affirmation CD's and DVD's and exposed myself to it as much as I could until it became easier for me to create my own positive thinking pattern and eliminate my negative thoughts. They still creep in occasionally as I'm human, but my life has blossomed from putting this simple brain exercising to work. Other people might prefer a more scientific type reading resource such as David Burn's "Feeling Good" which was pretty much the first and foremost (to this day) authority on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is the psychological term for creating positive thinking patterns and eliminating negative ones. There's lots of different styles, so flip through various books at the bookstore and see which one speaks to you. I do recommend having at least one book that has daily thoughts that is easy to encourage you if you only have 2 minutes to read it.
9/7/09
Want a Doctor, Lawyer or Stock Broker?
I grew up in farm country, in a very poor family. I never longed for money or material things. However, I was an intellectually minded child with an interest in the world and learning, so I couldn't wait to move somewhere that men were smart, intellectual and motivated. The first real city that I moved to was San Francisco and that was the first time I started dating well educated men on a regular basis. I dated attorneys, doctors, an aeronautics engineer, stock brokers, etc. Yes, they were smart and well educated and we were able to have more intelligent conversations. I was right, they were motivated, smart and could provide challenging conversation. However, it didn't take me long at all to discover that intellect and education wasn't everything I thought it was cracked up to be. Every single one of these "smart" men were self-centered, pretentious, cocky, arrogant, judgemental and felt entitled. It didn't take long for me to realize that I prefered a simple country boy that had a limited education and world experience but was loyal, humble, devoted, loving, romantic and just plain old fashioned sweet. I guess if all I cared about was a big diamond ring, a house with a white picket fence, a mercedes, getting to stay home or hang out with the other wives at the spa and vacations to Cabo San Lucas then that would have been fine. But I want a companion, a friend, someone to love who loves me unconditionally, an equal partner who wants to talk to me about his life and get my take on his choices, someone who is sensitive to my needs, would go to the store in the middle of the night to get me cold medicine if I were sick and someone who adores me. And of course I would love and treat him the same way. I can't imagine being with a man who worked long hours and came home too tired to interact, who had women throwing themselves at him constantly because of his success, and someone who felt that he could replace me if he needed to as he had lots of options with women admiring his money, power and success. It would be great to have it all; smart, intellectual, humble, sensitive, attentive and loyal, but age has made me realize that it usually doesn't happen that way and if I had to pick one, it would be the one who showed me unconditional love and affection even if he's not a doctor, lawyer or stock broker. I'll take the carpenter who comes home and shows me how much he loves me!
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