Single, 30-something and lonely??

I guess I'm pretty fickle when it comes to medias depiction of single thirty-something women. On the one hand they paint us out to be ring-hungry, marriage obsessed, love starved, desperate spinsters which I hate, because I have a good life that I love and I don't envy many of my unhappily married friends. But if they're not depicting us that way, it seems to be the opposite end of the spectrum; a bitter and jaded woman who has been hurt or disappointed and is now cold and closed off, perhaps even a bitch. Why can't we ever be depicted as somewhere nicely balanced in between for Gods sake instead of a bunch of lunatics? Yes, when you're a single thirty-something woman it's sometimes lonely at night going to bed alone (gasp, yes I admitted it!), but on the other hand I remember being in relationships where I was celebrating when he was out of town so I could enjoy the whole bed, wear my ultra-comfy ugly sweats and read a book in bed without being interrupted. Sometimes you get blue when you go to a party and it seems like it's all couples and you feel like the only one in the world not married with children. But then I spend time individually with those some people and the kids are screaming and running through the house, dad's screaming at them and mom's screaming at dad, and I realize that they sometimes envy me. It's not perfect on either side. I've been married to a wonderful man, and I've been in some long-term relationships with good men and I've still been lonely. So many people settle into mediocre relationships, and that isn't any better than being single, it might work okay for some people, but not for me.

My main purpose here is that we don't have to be ashamed or hide the fact that it is lonely being thirty-something and single, not necessarily because we don't have a guy, but more because we no longer have a troupe of girl friends to call up to go clubbing with us or to take a spontaneous road trip like we used to. I've often said it's not being single that's hard, it's being single without other single girl friends to hang out with that's hard. But we're also not bitter, jaded, hopeless women either; we have a lot of freedoms and luxuries that married people don't get to have. Thirty-something women should be able to embrace both the ups and downs of our situation, so we can identify them, validate them and learn how to navigate around them focusing on the positives.

Sure, I miss sharing breakfast with someone, curling up in bed on a rainy Sunday, making each other laugh until we cry, and of course sex: the kind of sex with someone your comfortable with to be yourself and know each others turn ons and what things drive them absolutely wild. On the other hand I don't miss him never realizing how much housework I'm doing, feeling like I can't let myself go for a day or two and just wear dirty sweats, having to get approval for what I spend my money on, having him doubt my career choices or watching him fritter his time away playing video games. One day I'll have been with the same man for 20 years and while I'm sure I won't regret one minute of it, I know that a small sliver will look back at this time and smile remembering all the excitement and adventure it was being single.

For now, I like to revel in the fact that I can go out on dates with musicians, carpenters, doctors, ski-bums, architects, chefs, engineers and writers and appreciate the fact that I get to benefit from what each of them has to offer. True, they will all have their flaws, some of them major flaws, but I chose to focus on what I can gain from our time spent together even if they're not compatible for me. One's a great kisser, another provides intellectually stimulating conversation, one inspires me to do great things, one makes me laugh until my side hurts, another flirts so shamelessly that I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and often it's through their eyes (regardless of what THEIR opinion of me is) that I can see just what a great person I am, and I'll be even better from the experiences I am having now. And going home alone afterwards, each day I learn to love myself a little more without thinking that I need a companion to validate me. And when I complete this journey of learning to fully love myelf, I know that I'll be ready to have not just a boyfriend or a husband, but an extraordinary companion, no matter what age that might be.